The art of confrontation: This isn’t about workplace conflict but goal-oriented collaboration if done right

Effective confrontation at work is an acquired skill, one seen in some startups that make space to openly reject ideas and question the constraints of hierarchy for better outcomes.

Workplaces where debates are not fights encourage a ‘multi-hat’ look at strategic plans, to borrow a term from Edward de Bono’s Six Thinking Hats (1985). Alas, in many companies, instead of this skill being honed into a form of art, it sets off ego battles where even juniors can almost predict that if A comes up with an idea, B will veto it, and frequently ends up squashed.

If confrontation is not petty, it can be powerful. It can act as a shield against being pushed into a corner. But it is a reasonable guess that most of the salary-dependent would pick silence over thoughtful confrontation. And why not? In the short term, it is peaceful, non-antagonistic and low risk, as it is unlikely to attract the wrath of any peer or boss.

And not everyone can stomach it. “It is unpleasant. I want to say a lot of things, but I know it will not move the needle, and letting it go has its own benefits,” a former colleague once told me. She hated confrontation. She also ended up with a lot of pent up anger and distaste for her workplace.

Another reason why many of us may not speak up to oppose a proposal, say, especially if it comes from a position of power, is that we have been conditioned to listen, absorb and assume that with experience comes knowledge. And it must always be respected. This could be valid in some cases, but confronting does not mean disrespect. Yet, work-focused confrontation is taken too often as a rebellion to be quelled.

Workplaces today are more confrontation-happy than those I grew up in almost a decade-and-a-half ago. Unlike many wood-panelled meeting rooms, newsrooms back then had stacks of paper at workstations that never belonged to you. You could not throw them away because some of these scribbles were important notes a colleague or boss had written in a rush.

Unlike stiff-neck offices, newsrooms had ample chutzpah and a 20-year-old’s scoop could displace a 50-year-old’s analysis within two shakes of a duck tail. Even in these eclectic work conditions, confrontations were only ‘allowed’ among seniors. We fledglings were largely asked to observe and play by the book.

Across sectors, corporate India was known for being a stickler for decorum and propriety, which meant confrontation across hierarchy levels was rare. Rarely would a junior get a pat of recognition for asking questions. It was impudent. Much has changed now. But not enough for companies to claim they possess that rare thing: a ‘flat organization,’ at least culturally.

Debates need stirring up. But confrontation seems to have a gender skew. I have seen more men confront others than women. One gender appears to place a premium on being accepted, while the other one can often count on being applauded by peers for questioning authority.

I have no science to back my claim, but is it just me who has seen confrontational women get tagged with hormone-related markers while men who challenge colleagues are seen to have achieved a level of maturity that would qualify them for a higher role?

To hone this art, it must be understood that confrontations are usually effective if one is not questioning every single point, for that suggests complete disagreement and could be interpreted as a ‘negative attitude.’ They have to be spaced and like battles, some to be fought if worthwhile and others best left for someone else to arrive at and pick up the gauntlet.

Knowing how to accept and deal with a challenge requires another skillset. I am sure readers can recount many episodes of how some bosses have almost foamed at the mouth at being challenged. Those stories can bring out guffaws years later and often form the stuff of heroic battle tales that peer groups are regaled with.

Leaders who develop both the nerve and wisdom to listen to a contradictory view, try to understand the point being made so that they may alter their approach or even argue it out without getting getting hecked up about it, often end up gaining the trust of a team, including challengers.

As some ‘flat’ startup cultures have long boasted, if everyone can speak candidly and be heard out, and work confrontation is welcomed, the wider the network of minds working on the common goals of the organization.

Workplaces are expected to shrink as we go along. This could lead to jostling and jockeying for jobs and positions, and with it, some scuffles. There will be confrontations, some valid, some attempts to be heard and a few ill-advised. Those who lack the skill to confront others properly in work settings should work on it now. Speaking up is going to matter more and more.

The author writes on workplaces and education at Mint.